TMI
by xotakux2002x
Summary: There are certain things about his subordinates' private lives that Pein really doesn't want to know about. This doesn't stop Kisame, Kakuzu, and Sasori from talking about those things in his presence.


Pein considered himself to be a pretty lenient boss, considering that he was a criminal mastermind in charge of a coalition of murderous ninjas. If a team failed on their assignment, punishment was swift but always fair. If a couple explosions left holes in the walls of the base's kitchen or a few body parts were found by him in the foyer before they could be disposed of, Pein didn't kick up much of a fuss. Hell, he even let the Akatsuki members pair off into couples when good business sense dictated that they should have remained as mere partners. In terms of the criminal code of conduct, he was practically a saint. All he asked in return was that the members of the Akatsuki not say a single thing to him about their sex lives.

So why was it that he found himself at the kitchen table at seven in the morning, drinking his coffee and hiding behind a newspaper as three of his subordinates openly discussed their many extra-curricular activities in front of him?

"The hardest part is getting him to shut up," Sasori informed his companions. "We can't have sex on missions anymore because Deidara is such a screamer. We've been found out at least three times because of him."

"Do me a favor and figure out how to shut him up soon," Kakuzu requested. "It's annoying to be woken up at three in the morning by 'un, un, un!' all the time."

"Try a ball gag or something," Kisame suggested, nibbling on a piece of toast. "That should work."

"And what exactly would you know about gagging someone, Kisame?" Sasori inquired. "I've never heard Itachi make a sound, and your room is right next to mine."

Pein sipped his coffee.

"Just because Itachi doesn't scream in the base doesn't mean he can't scream ever," Kisame explained. "Get a nice room at an inn, add a little teasing here, a little biting there, and he's just as noisy as Hidan or Deidara."

"I really can't picture that," Kakuzu admitted, nibbling at a piece of bacon. "Itachi just seems like he only wants quiet, missionary sex with the lights off. And then he feels bad about it afterwards," he added as an afterthought.

"The quiet ones are always the kinky ones," Sasori reminded him with a smirk. "I'll bet Itachi likes to be handcuffed and blindfolded and spanked, doesn't he?"

"Tch, talk about projection. Deidara's the big freak in the sheets around here," Kisame countered. "Isn't that right, mister I-fucked-my-partner-with-a-puppet-and-watched?"

Sasori's eyes widened at the accusation. "How did you-"

"Deidara still hasn't figured out what his alcohol tolerance is," Kisame explained, smirking as Sasori's face turned bright red. "He got rather talkative one night after a few drinks. For what it's worth, he said, what was it? That it was 'the best sex in the entire history of mankind, un,' so you must have done something right."

"He has an exhibitionist kink, and like hell I was going to let him have sex with someone else!" Sasori argued, face now the color of a ripe tomato. "You understand that, right?"

"Relax, Sasori," Kakuzu cut in. "Whatever gets your partner off, right Kisame?"

"Exactly," Kisame responded, still smirking. "They all have kinks, and there's nothing wrong with being a puppet fucker if it makes them happy."

Pein took another sip.

"And what exactly is Itachi's kink?" Sasori demanded, trying to draw attention away from himself. "Talking during sex?"

"I told you, he makes noise when he wants to! And no. He likes biting."

"…"

"…"

"What?"

"That's it?" Kakuzu asked, staring at the shark in disbelief. "Biting? I bite Hidan all the time."

"Same with Deidara," Sasori added. "It's hardly what one would call a kink."

"Not like just nibbling," Kisame elaborated. "Like digging my teeth until I break the skin and leaving dental impressions on him for a couple of days. Makes him squirm and scream like you wouldn't believe."

"Oh, that makes more sense," Sasori decided. "Can't say I'm surprised, considering he decided to date a shark."

"And since Hidan's a total masochist who's into bondage," Kisame went on, "They're really all freaks in the sheets."

"I don't remember saying anything about Hidan's kink," Kakuzu interjected.

Kisame snorted as Sasori rolled his eyes. "Oh please, it's obvious the little zealot gets off on you beating him," the Akasuna explained. "Why else would he go out of his way to be such a pain in the ass?"

"And you can't tell us that you never use those threads of yours to tie him down," Kisame went on. "That'd be like Sasori trying to tell us that he never uses his chakra strings on Deidara."

"What makes you think-"

"Drunk Deidara," Kisame immediately answered.

"That brat is quitting alcohol cold turkey," Sasori snapped.

"Aww, don't be like that," Kisame said with a grin, clearly enjoying the redhead's discomfort. "This is a safe place where you should feel perfectly comfortable in talking about all the freaky stuff you two do behind closed doors. Or on the roof. Or in the garden. Or right in front of a bound and gagged target who-"

"Dear Kami, how much alcohol did Deidara have?" Kakuzu inquired as Sasori went from red to purple.

"Not enough to get into the 'really juicy stuff' as he put it," Kisame replied, close to bursting into laughter now.

"I'm going to spank the living daylights out of that brat!" Sasori swore.

"He'd just get off on it," Kisame reminded him.

"Fuck."

Pein turned the page of his newspaper.

"We've gotten off track," Kakuzu interjected on behalf of the Akasuna, who looked ready to murder someone more than he normally did. "We were talking about the hardest part of our relationships. It appears Sasori was right about having the most trouble with getting Deidara to shut up."

"I'll kill him," Sasori decided. "I'll string him up and hollow him out and make a puppet out of him."

"What about you, Kisame?" Kakuzu asked, choosing to ignore the puppet master's threats.

"Communication, what else?" Kisame answered with a shrug. "Getting him to tell me what he wants is like pulling teeth."

"You've been together for, what, two years now?" Kakuzu inquired. "Shouldn't you be over that?"

"Are you kidding? I'm lucky to get half a dozen words out of him about sex. Hell, you want to know how we ended up fucking the first time? He gave me our mission report after he wrote in the margins, 'have sex before leaving the hotel'!"

Kakuzu raised a brow at this. "That takes socially awkward to a new level."

"Tell me about it. I still can't get him to admit to liking the biting thing, even though we both know he goes crazy for it."

"Maybe I should flay him alive," Sasori muttered to himself. "Or drown him in the bathtub."

"Focus, Sasori," Kakuzu ordered. "And we all know that as soon as Deidara gives you his puppy eyes you'll be in the palm of his hand."

"That's not-! Grr."

"So what's your issue, Kakuzu?" Kisame asked. "Aside from Hidan's tendency to act like a jackass 95% of the time."

"It's…hard to tell if he's satisfied," Kakuzu admitted.

Sasori quirked a brow. "Explain."

"He's immortal with a body that heals relatively quickly, provided you put all the pieces together the right way. One of the side effects of quick healing is that he has a non-existent refractory period."

"Wait, seriously?" Kisame asked. "So does that mean he can just orgasm back to back to back?"

Kakuzu nodded. "Our record is eight times in one round."

Pein took another sip of his coffee and prayed for the sweet embrace of death.

"How exactly is that a problem?" Sasori demanded. "That's like saying you have too much love to give!"

"Itachi and I met a couple like that once," Kisame commented. "Stabbed them both right in the face."

"You don't get it! If he can get off an unlimited number of times in one night, how am I supposed to know when it's enough?!"

"Um, well…shit."

"Have you talked to him about this?" Sasori asked.

"All he ever says is that it's good so quit being a little bitch. His words, not mine."

"Wait, girls can have back to back orgasms too, right?" Kisame recalled. "And since Konan's a girl and she's banging Pein…"

"Then we just have to ask him," Sasori concluded.

Pein suddenly found himself without a newspaper to hide himself from the other men, courtesy of Kakuzu snatching it away. "So Pein, what do you think?" the miser asked, looking hopefully at the leader.

Pein took a deep breath and stood. "I'm thinking," he began, "why the hell are you people so concerned with each others' sex lives?! And if it's because you're planning some kind of orgy, don't tell me!" And letting out a cry that could only come from a man who's been pushed to his absolute limit, Pein stormed out of the kitchen, through the living room, and out the front door.

Unfortunately it appeared that fate was going to continue being an absolute bitch, and Pein's suffering was yet to end. He barely got thirty feet out of the base before he ran into Hidan and Deidara sparring with each other in a nearby clearing. Itachi sat nearby under a tree, either taking a break from his own training or waiting for the others to finish to spar with one of them. The blond and Jashinist stopped their fight when Pein approached, surprised to see their leader out of the base. "Well well, if it isn't Pein in the ass," Hidan called out with a smirk. "Finally get sick of all that paperwork?"

At that moment, something inside the normally stable leader snapped like a bowstring, and Pein was hit by an idea that was as brilliant as it was cruel. Normally he would have restrained himself and merely sent his subordinates on particularly long and grueling missions, but such an early and unpleasant start to his day merited particularly nasty retribution. "Actually, I just needed to take a walk to clear my head. Kakuzu asked me for a bit of advice, and I want to make sure I think up a good answer for him."

"Tch, what the hell could the dumbass need to talk to you about?" Hidan asked with a smirk.

"Apparently he's quite concerned that getting you off eight times in a row from bondage tentacle sex isn't enough to satisfy you," Pein deadpanned.

For once in his life, Hidan was left without a comeback and could merely gape open-mouthed at his leader. "W-what?"

Pein wasn't done yet, however. "Though he wasn't nearly as concerned as Kisame was about Itachi not being able to admit that he likes constantly being bitten to the point of looking like a shark attack victim as he screams in bed."

Now it was Itachi's turn to look flustered.

"Oh, but don't worry Deidara," Pein went on, seeing that the blond was now giving him a worried/confused look, "Sasori has nothing to worry about since everyone in the Akatsuki knows all about your puppet-fucking exhibitionist tendencies. Well, he might be a bit concerned about your drinking, but other than that-"

"That fucker!" Hidan shouted. "I'm gonna rip open his fucking chest and tear out all five of his fucking hearts and make him eat them!"

"I'll join you," Itachi added, eyes flaring red with Sharingan.

"Well I'm going to go hide in the woods for a few days," Deidara announced, already heading for the safety of the trees. "If I'm not back in three days, just assume I've fled the country, un."

Pein decided to take a leisurely stroll around the mountainside base for several hours before returning to his office. He would never know exactly what transpired in his time away from the base, and frankly he didn't care. All that mattered was that it was a long, _long_ time before anyone in the Akatsuki talked about their sexual conquests in front of him again.


End file.
